The many diverse ways that I enjoy music
The device that I use most often to listen to music is my smart phone.
The reason is that it's very handy and I don't need to carry another device.
I think smart phone is good enough to replace the MP3 player these days,
because there is smart phone which works as a music player
and my phone is always with me wherever I go.
I normally listen to music on my way to work, like when I take the subway or a bus to my office.
It's a great way to cheer myself up because my commute is long and tiring.
Every night before I go to bed, I must listen to music as well otherwise I can't have a good sleep.
But, actually I'm all about live music.
So, sometimes I go to a concert of my favorite singers such as 'Jung Hyun Park' and 'Rain'.
I am very excited to watch them and I can relieve my stress by cheering and singing along.
I think that Listening to music helps me relax and it cheers me up.
Music is a huge part of my life.
I love music so much. The device that I use most often to listen to music is my smart phone. The reason is that it's very handy and I don't need to carry another device. I think smart phone is good enough to replace the MP3 player these days, because there is smart phone which works as a music player and my phone is always with me wherever I go. I normally listen to music on my way to work, like when I take the subway or a bus to my office. It's a great way to cheer myself up because my commute is long and tiring. Every night before I go to bed, I must listen to music as well otherwise I can't have a good sleep. But, actually I'm all about live music. So, sometimes I go to a concert of my favorite singers such as 'Jung Hyun Park' and 'Rain'. I am very excited to watch them and I can relieve my stress by cheering and singing along. I think that Listening to music helps me relax and it cheers me up. Music is a huge part of my life.
=======================================================================
- > Every night before I go to bed, I must listen to music as well. Otherwise, I can't have a good sleep.
- > But However, I'm actually all about live music.
- > So Therefore, I sometimes go to the concert of my favorite singers such as 'Jung Hyun Park' and 'Rain'.
-> I think that listening to music helps me relax and it cheers me up.
========================================================================
Jason,
Thank you for sharing about your interest in music. You did well in sharing your ideas. 
By the way, I would like to share some tips when it comes to writing. First, avoid starting your sentence with conjunctions such as, "but", "and", "so" and "or". Use Transition words such as, "however", "thus", "therefore", etc...
Next, learn to separate clauses using some punctuations, just like in the first correction. Lastly, since you were specific with what kind of concerts you like watching, use the definite article, "the" instead of "a".
I hope my explanation is clear. See you next class Jason!