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공개 첨삭 완료 2015. 07. 10 조회 13096

How to make this world better?

작성자: pos601974 담당 튜터: JoeM1
수강생 원문과 튜터 교정 (Before & After)
학생 제출 원문
Though some people say we need some big changes, we can make this world better with continuous small practices and efforts.
First, training people who are deprived of education enables us to improve our community. So I volunteer to teach English to children from low-income families. The more they get educated, the better they create more businesses and jobs. As a result, our economy will continue to grow. For example, Swiss became inland to a big progression and industrial civilization coincidentally with high rate of education. It indicates we can make this world better by increasing the level of education.
Second, hunger continues to be a critical issue in the world. Without feeding people and making use of their labor force, global economy would not develop continuously. So I am donating to the World Vision which fights hunger and poverty. Consequently, I contribute to support starving people and children so that they stand on their feet and do their best for economic activities.
튜터 교정 답변

Though some people say we need some big changes, we can make this world better with continuous small practices and efforts. First, training people who are deprived of education enables us to improve our community. So I volunteer to teach English to children from low-income families. The more they get educated, the better able they are to create more businesses and jobs. As a result, our economy will continue to grow. For example, Swiss Switzerland became inland  a land to a of big progression and industrial civilization coincidentally with a high rate of education. It indicates we can make this world better by increasing the level of education. Second, hunger continues to be a critical issue in the world. Without feeding people and making use of their labor force, the global economy would not develop continuously. So I am donating to the World Vision which fights hunger and poverty. Consequently, I contribute to support starving people and children so that they stand on their feet and do their best for economic activities.

 

 

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