목록으로 돌아가기
공개 첨삭 완료 2014. 06. 03 조회 15251

Importance of Gender Equality

작성자: pos600333 담당 튜터: Jasmine1
수강생 원문과 튜터 교정 (Before & After)
학생 제출 원문
Under the democratic system, all men and women are equal. Gender equality is a matter of course. However, men and women are different biologically. So, our society assign different role. Generally, men have the duty to make for a living, and women take care for children and do house-jobs.

At the result, our society cannot use the potentiality of women power in the economical and industrial points. Many women have super-ablility, but forgive to carry out their dreams because of the unequal conditions or other reasons.

To improve this problem, the government should provide social infrastructure to support working women. In addition, women must strive to show their ability in the competition with men.
튜터 교정 답변

Under the democratic system, all men and women are equal. Gender equality is a significant matter of course. However, men and women are different biologically. So, our society assigns (-S) different roles (pl). Generally, men have the duty to make for a living, and women take care for  of children and do house jobs.

At the result, our society cannot use the potentiality of women power in the economical and industrial points sectors. Many women have super-ablilities (pl), but forgive forgo carring out their dreams because of the unequal conditions or other reasons.

To improve this problem, the government should provide social infrastructure to support working women. In addition, women must strive to show their ability in the competition with men.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

1) "Gender equality is a matter of course." This basically means "gender equality is a topic" It's not specific enough. So it doesn't have a purpose in your paragraph. Add an adjective like important, significant, pressing, controversal, etc.

2) Soiciety is a collective noun, so make it 3rd person singular. It's like "familly": My family is American.

3) You use the word 'points' a lot. Point means more like subject or idea. So for jobs, it's better to use field, sector, area

4) Yea women have super abilities!! We make people!

Perfect conclusion!! I loved this piece of work!

교정 내용이 클립보드에 복사되었습니다!